Crushed

This is was a breakthrough song on the path to my emotional recovery and I wrote it in January of 2019. After I wrote, “Moving On,” I thought that the album was finished, until I wrote this song. Writing this song was challenging. When I wrote the lyrics I could barely believe they came out of me. The line, “Sometimes it’s just bad luck” came from a writing coach that helped me realize on a very very deep level that my accident was not my fault. Rationally, a victim of an accident or illness knows that it is not their fault, but on an irrational deep soul level, we as humans, often blame ourselves for events that happen to us. I blamed myself and even to this day sometimes still blame myself. I know now that is a human condition.

In the beginning it really bothered me that people would call it “my accident.” That made me so angry inside. Why should it be “my accident” when I didn’t do anything to deserve it. Now as I look back and see how hard I worked to recover I carry “my accident” around with me like a badge of honor. No one else did the work to recover - only me - by myself, with a great deal of help which I am eternally grateful to my family, friends, neighbors and community, but bottom line, it was my accident and my recovery. I taped a goal on my wall soon after my accident and it said “I am committed to making a 110% recovery.” That paper is still taped on my wall and I continue to strive for that extra 10% each day.

To me this song helped me begin to forgive Myself, “God,” and the Driver. Beginning to come to terms with forgiving the driver on a deep level was a monumental shift. But an even larger challenge was the realization of my INTERNAL faith being crushed. The toughest part of my accident was that my relationship to my “Universe/God” was shattered after the accident. The “Universe” that I had know in my own heart and mind was destroyed on May 15, 2017. Loosing my trust in the Universe was devastating and still to this day has been the toughest part of my healing and recovery process. Slowly but surely, each day, I am strengthening my trust and faith in My Life, My “Universe,” and Myself. It is a gut wrenching process and takes a great deal of inner soul searching, but so far it has been worth the effort. This song helps me realize despite being “Crushed” physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I still found the strength and courage to dig deep, take another step and learn a new dance in life.