Lump In My Throat

The original title for this song was “What Hurts” because so many people, multiple times a day, would ask me, “How are you doing Meghan?”  I am very lucky to live in such a close knit community in a big city.  When I wrote this song I could not walk very far.  Basically I would walk the block of my building with my walker which eventually lead to crutches and then a cane. I am grateful to all my “walking” buddies that walked with me throughout the North End. 

I am very, very, lucky to have had so many wonderful friends and neighbors rooting for me everyday.  But at that point I had no idea what to say to all of them.  I was struggling physically, trying to figure out how to move my body, mentally from the concussion, and emotionally from the trauma. It was uncomfortable and alarming. New symptoms where still surfacing with no warning.  In there lies the heart of this song.  I literally felt like I had a lump in my throat.  Concussion symptoms are different for many people and the brain is a miraculous and mysterious organ. 

My Speech Pathologist, which in my opinion his title in no way encompasses his body of work, was the most influential person on my medical team to help me fully recover.  When I think “Speech Pathologist” I think of someone helping a patient with speech issues.  I know they do that as well but that in no way embodies the full description of all the therapeutic therapies they provide.  Richard (Rick) Sanders, my Speech Pathologist at Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital, was truly the most instrumental in helping me fully recover from my concussion and I dedicate this song to him. 

One day at one of my Speech Pathology appointments, Rick asked me “Meghan is there anything else you are noticing?”  I truly appreciated that he took the time to check in with me at every appointment. I felt like he was truly paying attention and focused on my recovery.  It was intimidating to feel like someone was looking so deeply into each aspect of my life.  Looking back, I am eternally grateful for his attention and seeing me as a whole person.

Hesitantly, I told him I felt a lump in my throat.  He said that some patients do experience that symptom and asked me when it happened.  Together we determined it happened more often when I was tired or feeling run down, which at that point was quite often.  My body was reacting in ways I had never experienced before. I was living with daily uncomfortable symptoms and had to fine tune how much I could do each day. I did not want to push myself to do too much in a day but at the same time I did want to challenge myself to reach new goals daily. It became an ongoing struggle. Even to this day, it is a fine line I still struggle with. I have so many hopes, dreams and passions and it is still challenging for me to find the balance of life.     

My favorite part of this song is when I sing the bridge.  These questions had been running through my mind for months.  They are questions that I think everyone wondered and when I sing them out loud they lose some of their hold on me.  Especially the line “Could I have moved out of the way?” This thought haunted me for a long time.